drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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