Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
