Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
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One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
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When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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