I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
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Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
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YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
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