So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize