Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Randomize
