you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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