GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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