We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
