You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
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