I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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