I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
as a side note pls kill me
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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