I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
