tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
