I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
