If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Randomize
