I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
