fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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