We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
