i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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