I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
