just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
