Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
