HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Well I just put wine in my tea
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
