508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
That's how pantless uber rides happen
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
