So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
