Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
