I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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