All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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