I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
