I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
