I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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