a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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