I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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