you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
