my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
