woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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