Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
