Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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