i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
