Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
