I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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