you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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