There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
