I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
There r osticjed everywhere
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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