I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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