1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
