Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
