just tell him i said nine months
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
