I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
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she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
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Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?