I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
