i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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