I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Also, beer. Big fan.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
