the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
