I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
