So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
