So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
