Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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