Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
