I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
